The Secret Life Of A Sex Addict


The Secret Life Of A Sex Addict

Many of us have most likely experienced the “I never knew” response to discovering that someone we knew well lived a double life — a hypocritical life — a secret life.

A long time ago, I had a good friend who was considered a leader in the community, a great husband and dad, and one of the most moral and upright of men among us.  

I will never forget the day when I was informed that he had been embezzling millions of dollars over several years, and then, just vanished.   The FBI finally found his Porsche parked at the airport with no clue as to where he had gone.  

He abandoned his wife and kids, friends, as well as leaving many trusting people financially devastated.

The Shocking News Of Secrecy

We hear of scandals on the news, mass shootings, divorces, heinous crimes, and appalling behavior that people have engaged in, and our response is often one of shock — “I had no idea they were capable of that...they seemed so different.”

The reality is that they were good at bluffing.  They were good at keeping secrets — there own secrets.

Sexual addiction is rooted in secrecy

Secrecy is one of the perpetuators of sexual addiction

It’s no wonder that most sex addicts are not discovered until their sexual behavior has digressed into unmanageable measures.  Most sex addicts have lived so long in secret that they don’t even realize how disconnected and inauthentic their lives have become.

Secrecy Is An Expression Of Lying

Secrecy is expressed in lying.  Lying is more than just not telling the truth.  It is not telling the whole truth.  When we hold back secrets of our life from others, we are lying.

In reality, most of us are fairly comfortable sharing 90% of our lives with people close to us, but it’s the 10% that we don’t share that actually controls us.

According to studies done on lying, it is estimated that 60% of adults lie at least once in a 10-minute conversation.

Research shows that parents, friends, siblings, and spouses get lied to the most.  In other words, the people who we are supposed to be the closest to are the people we normally lie to.

Other studies reveal that:

  • 32% of patients lie to their doctor
  • 31% of job applicants lie on their resumes
  • 30% of adults lie about their diet and exercise

Think about all of the people who lie on their tax returns, lie on dating sites, lie at work, lie about their age, lie about their weight, and generally lie to themselves.

What about when a homeless person asks if we have any spare money, and we immediately respond, “No”.  

That’s a lie — we just don’t want to give them our spare change, but we are too intimidated to tell the truth and say, “I do have some spare change, but I don’t want to give it to you.”

The reality is that we feel intimidated to shed our secrecy and tell the truth.  So, we live with lies, and propel our secretive lives into more and more dysfunction that destroys our personal and relational wellbeing.

The Shame Syndrome Of Secrecy

Lying is a defense mechanism that we use to avoid the feelings that we are not enough, valuable, or desirable in some way.

When we live in secrecy, shame keeps us in a cave of fear:

  • We are afraid that we will be rejected
  • We are afraid that we will be punished
  • We are afraid our life will get worse

Relational and social implications keep us from feeling safe in sharing our secrets. 

For this reason, most sex addicts don’t begin to get help until they get caught.  

Moreover, even when a sex addict does get caught, the tendency is to minimize the extent of the problem, which further propels secrecy.  

It’s Time To Shed Secrecy

I loved the movie Liar, Liar, with Jim Carey.  In the movie, he is a lawyer, who cannot tell a lie for an entire day because of his son’s birthday wish that has become a reality.  His life gets completely out of sorts in all kinds of consequential ways because of his newfound truth telling desire, but in the end his life is much better, and relationships are restored.

It’s time that we come out of secrecy and lying, and trust that honest vulnerability will ultimately save the day.

Sure, you may experience some dire consequences as you step out of secrecy, but in the end, the truth will set you free.

Shedding Secrecy Is A Key Step In Shedding Sexual Addiction

How can we expect to have meaningful, intimate relationships when we live in such secrecy with those we seek to connect with on a fulfilling level?  

No wonder why random, non-committed sex is so popular among the secret society of sexual addiction.

Sexual addiction is often an outgrowth of a lack of intimacy and isolation.  Ironically, deviant sexual behavior often times is a search for connection and intimacy, but always ends in more disconnection and isolation.

  • It is impossible to have true connection and intimacy without vulnerable honesty.  
  • It is impossible to shed sexual addiction without shedding secrecy.

When we are able to come out of the shadows of secrecy, we can begin to find the freedom from our compulsive behavior, as well as finding the wholeness and fulfillment in life that we have always wanted.

I want to encourage you to find someone that you can be honest with, and share the secrets that have locked you in the cave of fear and despair.

Sexual addiction cannot survive in an environment of honesty.

Let us know how we can be more helpful in your journey towards freedom and wellness.


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